Kurt and Blaine vs The World!
by drinkpetrol
Summary: Set a few years from now, Kurt and Blaine decide to take their revenge on straight people and make them squirm. They push a whole lot of boundaries, buy a whole lot of lube, and have a whole lot of sex. Simple really.
1. Chapter 1

Kurt and Blaine vs. The World!

**Thought I'd try this out for size. It's based loosely on my favourite book where 2 gay guys go around terrorizing the world. I hope nobody finds this offensive, it's all a bit of fun. I have nothing against straight people! **

**Update: I've just finished chapter 2 and it is so much better than this chapter. I urge you to skip the crappy slash in this chapter and go straight to that!**

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><p>I pick up the last bottle of lube and pile it on top of our assortment of condoms, trying to make room for it around the many bottles of flavoured syrup Kurt had found near the freezer section. Our trolley is full to the brim. We've stripped the shelves of every last suggestible gay item and drawn numerous funny looks from fellow shoppers. I have no intention of buying any of this stuff, neither has Kurt. We're just doing it to piss people off. I'm just going to point out now that by people I mean straight people, although I guess any gay guys who needed condoms or lube would be equally pissed off when they found the entire aisle empty.<p>

We don't have anything against straight people per se. We just like to make them sweat, to make them a little uncomfortable, to make them feel like we used to feel during a public display of affection or a school dance. I make out like there's a huge political point behind it all, like I do it to make a difference, and I do... but to be brutally honest I mostly do it because I find it hilarious. I've started posting gay porn through people's letterboxes on a daily basis. Sometimes, when I'm not with Kurt, I even go so far as to smash their window and climb into their house. I tidy up a little to compensate, making sure to sweep away the glass, and then I spread porn out all over their bed... the really graphic stuff. Kurt worries I'm going to get myself arrested, but apart from a little vandalism I really don't see what they could charge me with. It's not like I'm stealing anything. I reckon most people won't even bother calling the police, and even if they did can you imagine? "Someone's broken into my house and left me some gay porn." I mean it sounds like a hoax.

"Come on Blaine I want to get back for the Sex and the City repeats..."

"Hang on - I'm wondering about throwing some tampons into the mix."

"Blaine... that's just weird."

Kurt begins dragging the trolley towards the checkout, his ass looking perfect as always. I pocket one sachet of lube for later and smile to myself.

"That one." Kurt points to some middle-aged woman in glasses, she's probably got 2.4 children, nice husband, a clean kitchen...

"Good choice." I say as we join the queue.

The condom tower is wobbling slightly, I have to place my hand on top of it to stop it from pouring onto the floor. For a second I wonder if that might be a better idea, it would definitely attract some attention, but Kurt is already loading our items onto the counter.

The lady raises her eyebrows a little as she picks up the first bottle of lube. I used to feel awkward about things like this, I used to care about being judged... but not anymore. I grab Kurt round the waist and pull him towards me, drawing him in for a long passionate kiss. As he draws back I slap him on the ass and he lets out a delectable yelp, loud enough for the entire queue to hear.

"I hope we've got enough lube..." I grin. The lady is scanning what I reckon is the nineteenth bottle.

"I don't know why we even bother buying condoms anymore..." This is Kurt's attempt at striking up a conversation with the check-out lady.

She smiles... a forced painful smile but at least she's trying.

"I mean if you were in a relationship for over a year and you couldn't get pregnant, would you bother?"

She looks lost for words. "I wouldn't like to say."

"It's because he thinks I'm sleeping around..." He rolls his eyes at me.

"Yeah and tell her _why_ I think that..." I'm trying not to laugh. It's all complete bullshit.

"Oh for god's sake Blaine... he caught me last year with his best mate and his best mate's boyfriend... bad timing because I had one in each hole and they were really going for it. But I was drunk!"

She shoots a nervous glance at the guy in the queue behind us and he shakes his head in disapproval.

I put my arm around Kurt and kiss him on the cheek.

"I love you."

That was the first sincere thing I'd said all evening.

As she got down to the last few items I feigned looking for my wallet.

"Crap..." I widened my eyes. "You're not going to believe this..."

"What?" Kurt was pawing through the bottles of chocolate sauce.

"I must've left my wallet at home."

Kurt let out a dramatic gasp. "Shit Blaine what are we gonna do?"

"Well we can't buy any of this stuff... I guess I'll have to fuck you dry tonight."

Kurt squeezed my hand. "I'd like that."

I know it was all an act but my pants suddenly became much tighter.

We said our apologies to the now incredibly annoyed cashier and walked away, leaving her up to her neck in lube. I wondered if she'd put it back on the shelves or whether that was beneath her.

It didn't take us long to get to the car. Once there I immediately pushed Kurt roughly against the door, pressing my erection urgently against his. I wanted him to understand how hard I was for him right now.

"Blaine... Sex and the City..." Kurt gasped against my lips as I tried desperately to kiss him.

I leaned back panting, my erection burning. "Kurt... I bought you the boxset."

He sighed. "Yeah but it's not the same..." Even so he kissed me back. "But I guess I can miss it... again."

I began kissing his neck appreciatively. "You won't _*kiss*_ regret it _*kiss*_"

He let out a tiny moan as I began digging my erection into him once more, my hands fiddling with the keys as I tried to open the car door. I was hoping we could just fall in without having to break contact.

Kurt somehow managed to slide into the passenger seat with me on top of him. It was a squeeze but it was nothing we weren't used to. His hands had found their way under my top and he was clawing at me needily, already putty in my hands.

"What you said in there about me fucking you dry..."

"I meant it." He gasped, our lips already sore.

I let out an excited moan and dove back in to taste him. His fingers were already fiddling with my zipper and I brought mine down to help, expertly undoing my trousers within seconds.

"You'll have to get onto the back seat if we're going to do this..."

It wasn't usually such a rush. I tended to be bit of a romantic when it came to love making, but we'd not had sex all day and I was in a hurry to get out of this dodgy car park... Plus we could still make the end of SATC.

"You and your erection are going to have to get off me for a few seconds if you want me to move..." Kurt shot back, struggling for breath as my hands dipped into his jeans.

"I don't know if I can manage that." I whispered teasingly, stroking him delicately and watching in delight as his head tipped back and he moaned in pleasure.

"Actually... I... I'm just fine here." He breathed, screwing his face up in pained concentration as he tried not to cum.

I kissed the side of his lips tenderly, drawing more moans from his bruised lips.

"I love watching you." I panted, my eyes darting between his closed ones, enjoying his sighs of disappointment as my hands left the tight confines of his trousers. "But not as much as I love fucking you."

He let out a soft whimper and immediately began the rather testing climb to the back seat, lying on his back and pulling off his trousers as soon as he'd made it. I guess he was eager to catch the end of SATC too.

I didn't need any more encouragement. I was all over him, kissing him on every available part and occasionally breathing the odd curse word into his ear.

"I'll try and be gentle." I whispered, pulling out my cock.

He nodded, eagerly lifting his hips to meet my straining erection. I was always so hard for him, always wanted him more each time than I ever had before.

There was no time for preparation, SATC must've been on the first ad break at least. I pushed myself gently against his hole, watching as his hands turned to fists, his knuckles white as he gripped the seat cover. He was bracing himself for what was to come.

"Tell me when..." I panted, waiting for my cue. He was always so tight, I could barely contain my excitement.

Kurt let out a long shaky breath and nodded, gritting his teeth as he did so.

I began to slide inside, Kurt crying out in pain as I chafed against his tight opening. I licked my hand and immediately gripped his cock, his whole body jerking in surprise.

"Fuck Blaine!" He squealed, his eyes shooting open.

I began pumping my hand gently, trying to soothe his painful cries. It didn't take long before I was fully inside, I stopped momentarily, letting him adjust around me.

"You ok?" I breathed, it was taking all my strength not to fuck him senseless.

"Aha..." he squeaked back, whimpering gratefully as I ran my thumb over his tip.

"You ready?" I shifted a little and he tensed in surprise.

"Ah..."

I took that as a yes. I began slowly, moving gently as I continued to pump his erection.

"Mmm..." he whimpered, his eyes tilting back into his head. He was already looking much more relaxed.

"You're doing great." I encouraged him, driving back in to him as carefully as I could.

I'm not sure he could hear me, he was in his own world now, the only signs of life his tiny sighs of pleasure as I pushed into him over and over again.

"More..." he whimpered. I could only just make it out.

I did what I was told. I always did. I drove into him a little harder, ready to adjust my angle once I'd built up a steady rhymth.

"Ah!" he shivered, my hand moving in time with my thrusts.

I drove into him a few more times, my breathing was so heavy I could hardly hear his tiny noises over it. I altered my angle, hoping to hit his prostate, and voila! Kurt let out a breathy cry and threw his head back, clawing at the seats in pleasure.

"Blaine!" His eyes were wide. "There! Right there!"

He moaned again in ecstasy as I continued to thrust into him. I was trying to wait for him but I knew I couldn't last much longer.

"I'm close." I managed to gasp, my whole body aching.

"Oh!" Was all Kurt could manage in reply as I managed a direct hit to his prostate.

"Fuck Kurt..." I could already feel the heat building.

"Ah!"

I felt Kurt's body tense, his muscles tightening around me as he spurted all over my hand, his back arching as he cried out in pleasure.

I was close behind, cuming hard inside his tight little ass, the world a blur for what felt like hours.

Eventually I slumped onto his chest, my cock slipping from inside of him, cum dribbling out with it and adding yet another stain to the seats.

"You ok?" I breathed, struggling to form any words at all.

Kurt let out a little satisfied sigh, his eyes still closed.

"Do you want me to clean you up?" I was already moving towards his entrance, bobbing my head so that my tongue could lap up the mess.

He squirmed as my tongue scraped against torn skin, whimpering quietly. Better not tell him about that lube in my pocket...

"Blaine..."

"Yeah?" I spoke softly.

"I love you."

I smiled, even though he couldn't see me. "I..."

Our perfect moment was suddenly interrupted by a hard knock on the glass, Kurt's eyes instantly shooting open, both of us jumping in shock.

"Fuck!" I banged my head on the roof as I tried to move away from Kurt. "It's the fucking cops again!"

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><p><strong>What do you think? I'll do a much better job on the next chapter if anyone wants one. It's just I wanted to finish this before The Apprentice started.. <strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**I know this is totally out of character for the boys, but you know just imagine they're older and wiser. Also hope this isn't too preachy! Like I said it's just a bit of fun... I don't actually mind what anyone does. Live your own lives!**

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><p>I'm not one of these homosexuals whose life is just one giant apology, one of those guys who tries to live out a similar lifestyle to heterosexuals, who campaigns for marriage and attends gay pride marches. The way I see it... what the hell is there to be proud of? I'm not particularly proud of the fact that I have black hair or the fact that I have two hands. I don't go on marches shouting about how great it is to have both of my testicles. So why would I be proud of being gay? I didn't do anything! It's all fucking insane.<p>

I don't want to be in one of those heterosexual type relationships that are all about ownership. I don't want a piece of paper to bind Kurt to me. I don't want to try and blend in with the system. To be honest I don't want much. As long as I'm with Kurt my life is absolutely fucking perfect. I have no time for all that nuclear family bullshit. That's their fucked up idea and I'm not going to pander to it.

This is why I wasn't bothered when Kurt let the police officer into the car, when he unzipped his trousers and started sucking him off. It's not about monogamy, it's about trust. It's about knowing that even after he's finished with that guy he won't love me any less.

As the guy sat there with his head tilted back and his eyes tightly shut, moaning relentlessly whilst Kurt's mouth worked its magic, I took the time to delve into his pocket. I pulled out his wallet and rifled through it. One picture of his wife, two of his kids... such a shame. I pocketed the 10 dollar bill. I'd buy Kurt something nice with it later.

It didn't take long for Kurt to finish the guy off. I always joked that I was better than him at it but to be brutally honest with you he was the expert.

"Hey..." I said softly as we both scrambled back into the front seats, the police officer had made an astonishingly quick getaway. "What's wrong?"

Kurt shook his head. "It's nothing."

"Is it because we've definitely missed Sex and the City now?"

Kurt smiled. "I'd forgotten about that..." He took a deep breath before continuing. "It's just that sometimes I wish we were... normal... like a normal couple."

I stroked his cheek lovingly. "What do you mean?"

He sighed. "Don't you get jealous?"

I shrugged.

"Because sometimes... when I'm watching you... I get jealous." He continued.

"Kurt..." I pressed my lips against his, kissing him tenderly. "You have nothing to worry about. Do you really want to be like them? Like that guy? Sneaking around behind his wife's back? It's impossible to stick to such a regimented life-style. You don't really want that... do you?"

Kurt stared at the floor, a look of guilt crossing his solemn face. "I guess not. ...But is it so wrong to want you to punch a guy in the face over me once in a while?"

I laughed, I knew I shouldn't have taped Bridget Jones. "Ok next time I think you're enjoying it a little bit too much I promise to do just that... as long as it's not a police officer." I added quickly.

"Pussy..." Kurt muttered under his breath.

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." I shot back, starting the engine. "Let's go for a burger - it's on me." I waved the $10 note in the air... I know I said I was going to buy him something nice but well... everyone loves McDonald's right?

...

I purchased our meals whilst Kurt grabbed us a table. The person serving me was one of those middle-aged chubby guys with far too many stars on his shirt who quite blatantly didn't want to be here. The kind of person who probably went home feeling sorry for himself and thinking the whole world was against him, when in fact he had everything. I didn't have to worry about things like this. I'd quit my job when I realised I could pick people's pockets as Kurt jerked them off.

"Kurt" I whispered as I set the tray down on his table. "Stay put and follow my lead."

I placed myself a few tables behind him and picked up my burger, taking a bite as I eyed up 'Mr employee of the week' over there. A few seconds later I coughed my second bite out onto the tray, Kurt shooting me a look of disgust and no doubt praying he wouldn't have to do the same.

I stood up angrily and marched over to the counter, cutting in front of an incredibly noisy family of five and a business man in a suit who was fumbling with his blackberry.

"Excuse me." I slammed the remains of my burger onto the counter. "I think you need to take a look at this."

The guy already looked apologetic. He leant over the burger in question and inspected it.

"What seems to be the problem?" He questioned when he couldn't see anything.

"I think it's pretty fucking obvious what the problem is." I stared him down. "This burger's made me gay."

"What?" He looked confused, maybe he thought he'd misheard me.

"The burger... it's made me gay."

"What are you talking about?" He questioned again. He was probably going through all of his customer training in his mind. I reckoned he might draw a blank on this particular situation.

"Before I came in here I was out with all my mates chasing pussy, one bite of your burger and now all I can think about is cock. Just look at me! My hair is perfectly curled and look at my nails... they're neat and tidy. NEAT AND TIDY!"

I was pissing him off now. "Look sir unless you have a proper complaint you need to move away."

"I can't believe this... don't I even get a refund?"

Kurt's voice echoed through the restaurant, the very sound of him making me shiver as he stood up with his hand in the air. "Excuse me?" He said politely. "This is going to sound a bit strange but I think this burger's made me gay."

"Eh?" The employee looked stunned.

"Nobody eat the burgers!" I called out hysterically. "Unless you all wanna be cock sucking homos!"

A few people put their burgers down instinctively.

"I mean before I ate this I sounded like Barry White..." Kurt made his way towards us. "Have you heard me now? I sound like Alvin the Chipmunk on helium."

The guy muttered something that I couldn't be bothered listening to, a look of complete astonishment on his face.

"Hey..." I walked over to Kurt. "You're gorgeous."

I kissed him violently, almost knocking him off his feet. He stumbled backwards onto a table, me climbing on top of him frantically as our lips collided once more.

"Hey guys you can all keep eating your burgers..." I managed to shout between kisses. "This actually isn't so bad after all..."

Kurt moaned like a perfect little whore and pulled urgently at my collar, dragging me back down for more. Simultaneously, the mother at the counter with her mouth open in shock quickly covered her youngest child's eyes.

"Guys! Guys!" The employee was panicking now. "You can't do that here..."

I grinded against Kurt explicitly, putting on a bit of a show for our audience before I reluctantly pulled away.

"Sorry... sorry everyone..." I smoothed down my shirt. "I think I just need to splash myself with some cold water." I headed for the bathroom.

"Yeah er... me too..." Kurt added quickly, immediately following me into the toilets.

"Am I a fucking genius or what?" I grinned, pushing Kurt up against a cold tiled wall. We didn't need to bother with a cubicle, no one would dare to follow us in.

"You're a fucking genius." He grinned back, pushing his tongue urgently into my mouth.

"Mmm" I moaned as our tongues fought against each other. "You have no idea how hot you are when you're desperate."

"Desperate?" Kurt pulled back, panting a little. "I'm not desperate."

"Then I better try a little harder." I purred, leaning in to moan against his ear, his whole body trembling at the sound. He loved it when I did that.

"...Beg me to fuck you." I whispered.

"Blaine..." he began. "I'm not a toy you can just wind up when you feel like it."

I pouted. "Aw... don't you want to play?" I ran my hands down his chest, stopping as they reached his crotch. "I'll make it worth your while."

His breath hitched as I squeezed him lightly.

"So..." I spoke softly, licking a long trail up his neck and stopping right by his ear. "Let's try again... beg me to fuck you."

"Don't Blaine..." He whimpered, struggling to stay in control. My hands were already in his trousers, teasing him as I stroked him so lightly I was barely making contact at all.

"You're so hard." I whispered, swirling my tongue against the soft skin behind his ear.

"Please..." He said it so quietly I could hardly make it out.

"Please what?" I reminded him, my fingers still grazing softly over his erection.

"Please..." he gasped. "Just fuck me already..."

His hands slid into my hair and pulled me roughly towards him, biting at my lips impatiently as he waited for them to part.

"Mmm... Blaaaaine." He moaned into my mouth as I began tugging on him mercilessly, my hand working him into a frenzied state.

I'm not proud of what I did next, it was a little insensitive... For some sadistic reason I abruptly pulled my hand away.

"Wha...what are you doing?" He panted, trying to grind against me to get himself off.

"No." I replied.

"What?" He gasped, whimpering as I pushed his hands up against the wall.

"I don't want to fuck you anymore."

"But Blaine... you... you just said..." He was beside himself, his lips trembling, his breath shaky.

"I changed my mind."

"Please... please... oh fuck please Blaine!"

"I'm bored."

"Blaine!" He was practically screaming at me now. "You fuck me right now or I am never... ever... sucking you off again!"

"Alright alright, god there's no need to be so desperate." I grinned. I'd got my way and he knew it.

"Argh!" He screamed as he realised what I'd been doing. "You absolute fucker!"

I smiled. "I guess I _can_ wind you up after all." I smothered his protests with my mouth until I felt he was starting to come back round to the whole idea. "Take your trousers off then..." I reminded him.

"Ok but I'm not doing it because you asked me to..." he glared at me. "It's because I want to."

"Sure..." I shook my head at him, still smiling.

"And I want you to know I'm really mad at you right now..." He stepped out of his trousers and threw them beside him.

"Ok." I humoured him.

"And don't think I'm going to forget about this! You can't just fuck me and make it all ok..."

That was exactly what I was planning to do. "No... not at all."

I moved towards him and began stroking his hair. "Let's sort you out then... hm?"

He nodded, staring up at me with pleading eyes, fiddling with my zipper and watching intently as I pulled my trousers over my hips.

"Come on then..." I helped him wrap his legs around me, his body pressed tightly up against the wall.

As I slid one finger inside he quivered around it, gasping and biting down hard on his lip, the pain from earlier surging back.

"Touch yourself baby and it won't feel so bad..."

Kurt scrunched up his face as I pushed another finger in, bringing his hand up to stroke himself gently. I scissored my fingers carefully, kissing away a small tear that had leaked down his face.

"Kurt... if you don't want to..."

"I'm fine" He interrupted. "Please can we just... get on with it?"

"Hang on..." I pulled the lube out of my shirt pocket. "This will help."

I managed to rip it open with my teeth and began applying it liberally all over my cock. Luckily my body heat had warmed it up and so Kurt didn't squirm too much when I spread it around his hole.

"That feel better?" I nuzzled him gently. I may act like a bit of a jerk sometimes but I know when it's time to stop.

"Stings..." He gasped, rubbing a little over his own cock to distract himself.

"You'll forget about it in a minute..." I soothed him, positioning myself at his entrance.

I waited for the usual 'all go' and pushed myself into him as gently as humanly possible.

"Ooh" It sounded more painful than it did pleasurable.

"It's ok baby... it's done, it's done."

It seemed like no matter how many times I did this it never got any less painful. I don't quite know how he coped. I knew only too well what it was like. The amount of days I'd spent unable to sit down and having to lie on my stomach to sleep were countless. He said he liked it though, having me inside of him, us being so close like that. It sounded like a whole lot of straight bullshit to me at first, but I was starting to understand what he meant. I loved how he reserved that place for me, how he wouldn't let anyone else near him like that, and this isn't an ownership thing... I'd never even so much as suggested it. He was doing it simply because he loved me... or because he loved my cock. I don't know. I'm not a mind-reader. But anyway it was our special thing.

I started to move, more water leaking from his eyes as he squeezed them shut to try and block out the pain, his erection also looking incredibly tender. I think he'd over done it a bit in an attempt to distract himself.

I have to grudgingly admit that this was bliss for me. Every time I thrust into him it was like stepping into a warm shower for the first time, like taking that first bite of dessert. It was that feeling of total satisfaction, that sensation you get when you wake up from a good dream and just for a minute you believe it was real. Fucking perfect.

Kurt was moaning softly, sobbing quietly to himself as the world began to dim around me. I decided to cheer him up a little before I completely blacked out, angling myself differently so I could catch him right where he was most sensitive.

"Blaine!" His entire body tightened as I did so, eyes shooting open and both his hands clutching my shoulders frantically. He'd given up on touching himself, his penis throbbing in between us. I always marvelled at how hard he got for me, like I was really worth something to him. We didn't need a marriage contract as long as we had our over-excited erections - no simpler way to prove our love to each other.

"You're going to cum on my command." I warned him, his back scraping against the tiles as I plunged into him.

He whimpered pitifully as his leg slipped down my hip, my cock now the only thing holding him up. He was clinging to me desperately, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Blaine I... oooh!" His eyes rolled back a little as I caught him just right, battling to keep himself focused. "I can't..."

"You don't get to choose."

His erection was straining towards me, red raw.

"I can't... help it..." He panted, digging his fingernails deep into my skin. "Fuck Blaine I'm gonna..."

"No Kurt..."

I moaned as I watched him struggle, his whole body trembling as he held his breath, as if time would suddenly pause if he did so.

"This shouldn't be... shouldn't be allowed." He whimpered between thrusts, letting out the breath he'd been holding.

"You've got so used to me telling you to cum, you just can't do it by yourself can you?" I teased, my breath hot and heavy.

He let out a tiny whine, his eyes pleading with me.

"And I bet as soon as I whisper the words you'll be completely helpless, pouring out all over yourself."

"Oooh..." He moaned, his head tipping backwards. "Please stop..."

I did. I stopped just as I slammed into the pinnacle of his ass. I think he screamed.

I repeated this again, pulling out almost fully before plunging back in hard, Kurt screaming my name as I brushed his prostate.

"Cum for me this time." I whispered, and he managed a nod, looking incredibly ashamed of himself.

He was already coming as I pulled out, his seed shooting everywhere, shocking even himself.

"Fuck!" He wailed as he finally gave in.

I had one last thrust left in me, my cum seeping around me as I began to orgasm.

I fell against him, pushing him hard against the wall, and he let out a tiny wail, his whole body limp.

My penis slipped out almost immediately, Kurt's hands clinging to me desperately as he tried to maintain the proximity, his lips placing tiny kisses all over my neck as I rode my orgasm out.

"I love you Blaine. I love you so fucking much." I guess he'd forgotten he was mad at me - standard practice. I grinned to myself.

We were too preoccupied to notice the door open, to notice the giant balding security guard with several missing teeth step into the room. We didn't even have time to pull up our trousers.

"Have fun boys?" He bellowed sarcastically.

Our eyes shot straight to him, and if I was still wearing pants I probably would've crapped them.

Kurt's fingernails dug into me in panic, his whole body rigid with fear.

"I er... don't suppose the burgers made you gay too?" I finally managed to stutter. I was attempting to smile and work my debonair charm.

I don't think it worked though, because the next thing I knew his fist was colliding with my face.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading this far! Anyone feel like trying the McDonald's stunt? I tried it drunk with a McFlurry... it was awkward. So very awkward.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for all the awesome comments I am in love with them all! Only a short chapter but I hope it will suffice.**

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><p>So how did it get to this point? How did I manage to change from a polite little school boy into this cynic lying on the toilet floor with blood pouring out his nose, no job, no family, no real ambition. I could hear Kurt shrieking above me, screaming angrily at the guy as he tried to drag him out of the toilets before he'd had a chance to find his trousers.<p>

It's simple really. I grew up. I felt like I'd been putting on an act for years, living my life like it was a script, doing exactly what I thought other people wanted me to do, being how they wanted to be. I'd do anything to fit in. It's funny. It's like you know you're different, but instead of embracing that and just going with it, you try to convince yourself that you're just like everybody else. I never ignored my sexuality, but I played it down. I thought that was what you were supposed to do.

And now here I was being dragged across the floor with my pants around my ankles, the security guard obviously wanting us out. If only the guys at Dalton could see me now, they'd be so proud.

...

Later that evening, in bed with a bag of peas on my bruised nose and a splitting headache, Kurt lay in between my legs, nuzzling my cock in an attempt to comfort me.

"You always know how to make me feel better." I smiled, inhaling sharply as he pulled down my boxers.

"Shh... just relax." Kurt breathed over my cock, of course this was causing me to do anything but relax...

"Oh..." I let out a breathy moan as he lapped at my head, my penis already straining towards him, desperate for attention.

"We need to be more careful baby." He was talking to my cock, nuzzling it again and planting tiny kisses on the shaft.

I groaned. "We're fine." He began licking a trail from my base to my tip, my whole body tightening in excitement.

"I could've got hurt..." He sounded a little upset.

"But you didn't... and I'm getting a blow-job out of it." I pointed out, flinching as he grazed his teeth over a sensitive spot.

"Just for that I'm going to make it a crap one..."

I laughed. "There's no such thing as a crap blow-job." I was lying though. I'd had a woman give me one once, she was clueless! But what did I expect? How was a woman meant to know what to do with a penis? It's like learning a foreign language.

To illustrate his point Kurt pushed my hips down onto the bed and deliberately caught my frenulum with his teeth.

"Fuck Kurt!" I cried out in pain.

He pulled back, I could tell that he was grinning just by the sound of his voice "Oops..."

"Fuck you!"

His tone suddenly changed. "Oh god Blaine..."

"What?" My penis was stinging like crazy, but I still had the bag of peas over my face so I was unable to check it out.

"I'm really sorry..."

"Huh?"

"I think I... well... I've definitely ripped it."

"You what?" I pulled the bag off my head and sat up to inspect the damage, Kurt holding it steady and straining to get a closer look in the dim light. "Is it bleeding?"

"Yeah... a lot..."

"Fucking hell Kurt, what did you do?"

"I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to..."

"You did it on purpose you fucker!"

"I know but... I didn't think..."

"Well I hope you realise this is far worse for you than it is for me! Now you've got a boyfriend without a penis!"

"Blaine don't you think you're being a bit over-dram..."

"No! No I don't! Argh! It bloody stings!"

"Hang on let me try and stop the bleeding..."

I winced as he wrapped his lips around me, his tongue pressed gently against the cut. I breathed in through gritted teeth.

After about a minute he pulled away. "Hm... it still looks sore."

"Seriously? It's not just miraculously healed around your oh so holy mouth? You're not Jesus you know... Jesus with his miracle cock healing power..."

"Jesus was a Jew Blaine..."

"So?"

"So he and all his disciples would've been circumcised."

"God Kurt it was just a joke!"

I sighed and flung my head back onto the pillows, flinching a little as the force caused pain to shoot up my nose.

"Well that's just another fucking problem I need to get checked out!" I said exasperatedly.

"Do you still want your blow-job?"

I did. I really did but I was too mad to let him anywhere near my cock.

"Surprisingly no."

"You should probably go to hospital baby." He sighed, kissing me on the forehead and rubbing his thumb over the damp skin. He knew I hated hospitals. I had done ever since the school dance when I had the living crap beaten out of me. They reminded me of how weak I used to be.

"Nah I'll be fine until tomorrow. I'll go to the doctors in the morning... I just want to sleep." I muttered. I still had my pissy voice on.

"But what if it falls off?" He said in mock concern.

"Then I guess you've got yourself one awesome dildo..."

...

And that is how I ended up sat in the doctor's office with Kurt by my side, absolutely no intention of talking about my nose or my cock. The only intention I had was to be a complete and utter dick.

"So what seems to be the problem?" The doctor inquired. He was a stereotypical doctor, the kind you see in children's books with the glasses and the comb-over. I wondered if he was born this way or whether he was just conforming. I had yet to see a doctor with tattoos and a skin-head.

"Well... I think it's pretty obvious why we're here." I smiled at him.

He smiled back at me, ready for me to start talking about my battered nose.

I paused for a moment and let out a shaky breath. "I'm gay."

"Ok..." he looked a little puzzled but he wasn't too shocked. I guess my bow-tie gave me away. Kurt however was narrowing his eyes at me. He probably thought this wasn't the time for a stunt. He was probably worried we might never have sex again. That would serve him right.

"So what can you do about it?" I asked, concerned.

"I'm sorry... I'm not quite following you?"

I took a deep breath. "Well I guess I better explain a little better. I was alright until last night... then the symptoms started coming on. You know like I had this overpowering urge to watch My Fair Lady and I just couldn't stop thinking about shoes."

Ah that pissed off look I was so very familiar with was starting to form, and it wasn't just the doctor, Kurt looked livid.

"And then... and this is when I knew I'd got something serious... I started humming the YMCA."

"Look if you're just going to waste my time then you're going to have to leave..."

I looked shocked. "Is this how you treat all your patients? I can't believe you think I'm wasting your time. I've got this disease! This fucking life-wrecking disease! And you want me to leave? Isn't there a cure?"

"I think the only person who can cure you is a psychiatrist." He rolled his eyes.

"A psychiatrist? Doctor I'm not mentally ill, I'm physically ill... I think I caught it off this guy." I gestured towards Kurt.

"Oh really?" He looked intrigued. "And how did you manage that?"

"Well I guess fucking him didn't help..."

The doctor slammed his hands down on the table. "Out!" He pointed to the door. "I don't know what you think you're playing at but I have far more important things to do."

"But doctor what if it spreads?"

"Look I don't treat gay people!"

The door was open as he shouted this, the whole of the waiting room gasping in shock, the young receptionist looking incredibly apologetic.

As Kurt and I shuffled out the door I attempted to sound offended. "Have you heard that?" I spoke to the whole room. "I've never met anybody so homophobic in my life!"

The receptionist beckoned us over. She obviously thought she was as liberal as they came, completely on our side and feeling oh so sorry for us. She smiled at us like she totally understood what we were going through, and she'd blatantly had training surrounding this kind of situation because she reeled off the usual bullshit.

"I am so sorry about that. Would you like to see a different doctor? I can fill in an incident report for you if you'd like." It was like a script. She knew exactly how to deal with us.

"Oh don't worry about that..." I began.

"Yes." Kurt interrupted, speaking through gritted teeth. I was going to be in so much trouble later. "We'd really like to see another doctor if you wouldn't mind." And he kicked me! Like actually kicked me! It fucking hurt as well.

"Ow" I muttered as she turned away to ring through to a different office.

"You're such a dick sometimes." Kurt sounded pissed. "Do you want that guy to lose his job?"

"I'd be doing him a favour." I smiled my winning smile, my 'I know I'm a knob but I'm a totally awesome knob' smile. "He'll finally be able to get that tattoo that he's always wanted, and he can have some tram lines cut into his hair."

It didn't take long before we entered the next GP's office, a woman this time... things certainly weren't looking good for my cock.

"So what seems to be the problem?" I guess everybody had a script. Best stick to mine.

"Well... I think it's pretty obvious why I'm here." I smiled at her, then grinned over at Kurt. "I'm gay."

Kurt's head fell into his hands in despair.

Like I said. Serves him right.

* * *

><p><strong>Do I have to write something here? I feel like I should.<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Starts with smut ends with shopping, feel free to skip to the part that interests you most! I personally love both smut and shopping =] I don't know why I'm telling you that... why would you care? I just love that I can write any crap up here and people will read it!**

* * *

><p>"It says no sex for a week."<p>

"What? You're kidding me?" Kurt rushed over to the computer, desperate for me to be wrong. "But that's like 7 whole days!"

"Really? I was completely unaware of that... thank god I have you around to remind me of exactly how many days th..."

"Ok! I get it. You're pissed." He interrupted, glaring at me as I stared up at him nonchalantly.

"You think? I wonder why! I wonder if it's anything to do with the fact that my PENIS is fucking BLEEDING and I'm not allowed to get an erection. Something which is proving incredibly fucking DIFFICULT when you're stood there in your boxers with half your bits showing!"

"You're not allowed to get an erection?" He looked amused, I swear he was enjoying this far too much.

"No Kurt. Because it fucking HURTS and I can't masturbate!"

"You can't?" He grinned, a sparkle in his eyes.

"Kurt..." I warned. "Whatever you're thinking, stop it."

"It would be a shame if you just had to sit there and watch me have all the fun..."

"Kurt..."

Too late. The fucker was already sprawled out on the bed. He began moaning my name softly, his back arching as he pressed his crotch up into the air, parading it in front of me... and like a moth to a flame my penis started to twitch.

"Mmm... Blaaaaaine... I could... ooh..." He was quite evidently overacting. "I could really do with... ah... some help..."

He ran his fingers slowly down his body, his cock already beginning to harden through the black material.

I quickly turned back towards the computer screen, trying to concentrate on the pictures of mutilated cocks, some of which bared a scary resemblance to my own. I know they were mutilated but they were still cocks, and they weren't helping the situation AT ALL.

"I'm not interested."

"That's a... a shame..." he moaned again. He was probably touching himself now. "Because I really, REALLY feel like fucking."

"Oh fuck you Kurt."

"Please Blaine... pretty please? With cherry flavoured lube on top?" It sounded like he was getting off the bed, moving closer towards me. "I know you like it when I'm desperate." He whispered these last words right against my ear. I could feel his breath hot against my skin, feel his hand beginning to snake towards my groin, feel my pants beginning to tighten.

"You just can't help yourself can you? You get so hard for me." It sounded like he was smiling, sadistic little fuck!

Unfortunately I was unable to voice my opinion, and all that gushed out was a long low moan.

"Come to the bed baby..."

I shook my head. "Please Kurt..."

He spun my chair round gently so I was facing him, a pained whimper escaping my lips when I realised he'd taken off his boxers, his fully erect penis too difficult to ignore. I let out a frustrated sigh and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to think about Justin Bieber kissing Selena Gomez amongst many other equally unappetising images.

I knew it was all over when he began to straddle me. To be honest I knew it was all over from the minute I saw him in his boxers, but I thought I might have a little more self-control than I gave myself credit for. Turns out I was wrong.

"Oh yess Blaine..." He was rubbing his arse against my crotch, his fingers twisting into my hair and dragging our lips together.

I yelped into his mouth as he caught my sore spot, at this rate I was never going to heal. I'd have to spend the rest of my life with a damaged penis. One week without sex was quite simply impossible.

"Let's get you out of these clothes..." he breathed, his voice full of lust.

And like the horny sex-obsessed 20 year old that I am, I let him undress me. Never a good thing when you're trying to stay celibate. It didn't take long. I was hardly wearing anything anyway. These days we spent most of our time in our boxers.

As soon as my underwear hit the floor he kneeled in front of me, his eyes twinkling as he eyed my erection. He parted my legs slowly and leant in to lap at my cock, the slight stinging sensation actually adding to the pleasure.

"Ooh... Kurt..."

"See that's not so bad is it?" he purred, talking more to my crotch than to me. Before I could protest... not that I was going to... he wrapped his lips around my head, playing with my slit with his tongue.

"Ah..." I breathed in shakily through gritted teeth.

Kurt soon worked me up to the point of no return, my hardness throbbing inside his mouth as he continued to tease my injured cock.

Satisfied, he let it slide out with a pop and grinned up at me. "I think I'll just go and have a wank now." He stood up to leave.

I was speechless. I know I deserved it. I know I'd played games like this countless times but he'd never been that good when it came to getting me back.

I grabbed his hand to stop him from leaving. "You don't... you don't mean that..."

"Don't I?"

"You want this just as much as I do..."

He smiled and wriggled out of my grasp. "Sorry..."

He walked back towards the bed, swinging his arse in that delightful way that made my breath catch in my throat. Laying himself down gently on top of the covers, he closed his eyes and wrapped his fingers round his cock, all the while letting out tiny little moans that he knew drove me crazy.

I gulped, watching intently as he tugged relentlessly at his erection, unable to do anything about my own hardness.

"Blaaaine... oh Blaine you know just how I like it..." He was mumbling to himself but he knew I could hear. I hadn't moved since he started, completely frozen to the spot. Time to rectify this. I headed towards the bed, crawling cautiously on top of him, careful not to touch him. My eyes darted hungrily over his body. I could feel the heat radiating from him, smell his sweat as he continued to pull at his cock.

"Blaine?" He opened his eyes to see me dive towards his lips, moaning into the kiss and pulling my hips towards his so that our erections were touching. "Mmm."

As I pulled back he grabbed my penis with his free hand and began wanking us both off at the same time.

I yelped in surprise at the contact, his hand beating against me, pain seering. I glanced down to check my cock was still attached, and funnily enough it was, but it was stinging like holy hell.

"Blaine..." Kurt began, his breathing heavy. "Have you... lubed yourself up already?"

"No..." I managed to pant back. "But I can... just give..."

"That's... that's not what I meant..." He pulled his hand away to assess it.

I stared down at his palm, covered in blood.

"Shit!"

Kurt pulled a disgusted face but continued to touch himself, not quite sure what to do with his other hand.

"Should I... should I keep going?" He stuttered. I could tell he was close, his face was starting to scrunch up in concentration.

"Yeah fuck it. I'll be ok..." I breathed, his hand now back on my cock, massaging it gently "Ooh... Kurt that's..." I didn't need to finish that sentence, he could tell how much I was enjoying it.

"I... I love you Blaine..." he managed to pant, whimpering as I bent down to suckle his neck in appreciation. "I'm... I'm gonna..."

"Ok baby..." I whispered, pulling away from his neck to watch.

Immediately his body began to tense, his hand gripping my penis tightly as his cum spilled out over the sheets.

"Fuck Blaaaine..." he moaned, bucking his hips up and squirming underneath me.

I'd never been able to outlast him for long, every time he orgasmed I instantly followed suit. I just couldn't help it, he looked so fucking hot when he came.

I didn't regret it at the time, but afterwards... man had I made a mistake! A few minutes later I was staring down at the blood smeared over the entire length of my penis and groaning in pain.

"I need to have a shower..." Kurt grumbled, holding his hand out in front of him like it was covered in toxic waste.

"Oh thanks... don't ask me if I'm ok then."

He glanced at my penis and crinkled his nose in disapproval.

"You best come with..."

I picked myself up off the bed and headed after him.

"I'm like a sadomasochist's dream!"

"Yeah too bad I'm not into that..." He shuddered. "I think we need to burn the sheets."

* * *

><p>There was nothing like a shopping trip to cheer us up, nothing like a few dirty looks from passersby when they noticed I was holding Kurt's hand. I lived for those moments. I also lived for the moments when Kurt would stop guys in the street and try and recruit them.<p>

"Hey would you be interested in signing up?"

"For the army?"

"God no... to be part of the homosexual community?"

"eh?"

"It's really very simple, all you need to do is sign here, here, and here and then you're good to go. It's just we're running very low on members and you look like someone who might be interested."

Mostly it ended with the guy explaining that he wasn't gay, sorry. To which Kurt always replied "Well of course you're not yet, you need to sign up first." But occasionally it ended with Kurt being kicked in the balls. Both very amusing outcomes.

Shortly after a few failed recruitment attempts, we entered a department store, greeted by the strong stench of perfume and an orange lady who had every single product from the entire range plastered onto her face.

"Would you be interested in our special half-price offer on men's fragrances? Today only."

Kurt shook his head. I completely ignored her. It gave us both an idea though.

I picked up a bottle of the nearest perfume and began squirting people with it as they walked by, a few people dodging out of the way and glaring angrily at me as the cold spray hit their skin. Kurt stood next to me and smiled at the shoppers in that fake shop assistant way, beaming at people like he knew each of them personally... although I guess he might have slept with some of them so that might actually have been correct.

I had on my over-excited Kurt voice. "Hello sir we have a special offer on today, would you be interested?"

"What's the offer?" He grunted, already looking eager to get away.

"Well it's very simple. You buy a bottle and you get a free blow-job."

"You what?" He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"Would you like a blow-job sir?"

"We're very good at them." Kurt chipped in. This was going to be a hard sale.

The guy couldn't get away fast enough.

"Maybe I could interest you in some hand cream then... for masturbation!" I shouted out behind him, the guy flinching as a few people turned to stare.

"I'm really glad he didn't say yes..." Kurt whispered to me afterwards, drawing me in for a kiss.

"Why because he's hideous?" I laughed.

He shifted awkwardly. "I think I... I think I might've got jealous."

I'm starting to get worried about Kurt. Sometimes I think he's losing it. A few years from now I can see him in an apron holding a mixing bowl and waving his 2.4 children onto a school bus. I don't want kids. I don't want to be disappointed with myself when they grow up to be radical Nazis. They're too much effort and society will just sculpt them into another robotic member who follows the heterosexual paradigm.

My worries about Kurt are put to one side however when I see him climbing into the window display. I follow him, naturally, and try to contain my laughter when I see him beginning to undress a mannequin, pushing it up against the window and pretending to make out with it. It's a male mannequin of course, but I have to admit I am a little disappointed by the size of his package. It's like my old action man toys. I had to stuff their trousers with toilet paper to make them look half decent.

A small crowd has gathered outside and so I take the opportunity to join in. I pull it and Kurt down to the floor with me, pressing its head into my crotch and pretending its giving me one hell of a good blowjob. Kurt positions himself over its arse and simulates fucking it. We've still got our clothes on so it's not like we're being indecent. It's funny to see the shocked faces of the crowd leering at us, but I get bored after about a minute. Bored and hard. Mainly hard. It's just that Kurt is making these delicious little noises as he grinds against it and it's really fucking hot. I want to drag him into a changing room and have my way with him but I know I'm not allowed. Virtual doctor's orders.

I quickly decide it will be much more effective, and much less arousing, to place the mannequins in extremely gay positions with each other and leave them like that. One's got his pants around his ankles whilst the other gropes his arse. Another 3 are laying down in a sort of mouth-watering gay sandwich having an orgy. I wondered if I'd ever be able to do this with Kurt again or if he was becoming too monogamous for this now ...maybe if he was the one in the middle he wouldn't get so jealous?

I speculate about how long it might take for one of the workers to notice our new display. I wonder if someone outside will tip them off or if they might think that it's just a new form of tasteful nudist expressionism. I never really got the whole 'tasteful' naked art thing. It's like... if they're naked I just want to have sex with them. I'm not going to appreciate their bodies just by looking at them am I?

Unfortunately it turns out that it doesn't take longer than about 30 seconds before security comes to drag you away. They caught me at a bad time too, rubbing my erection up against one of the spare mannequins. As they pulled me away from my new friend I reached out desperately towards it shrieking "but I love him!" I was kicking up a hell of a fuss about it too, how dare they rip me out of his arms like that?

Surprisingly this didn't change their minds about throwing me out and banning me from the store. Heartless bastards. And now there was another problem... Kurt looked jealous.

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><p><strong>I might have to skip a week for the next chapter. It's so hard to write without the possibilty of any sex, I don't know what I was thinking!<strong>


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